I know we have all heard until we are blue in the face that we can't ever be truly loved until we love ourselves first. I don't know if that is necessarily true because I have the most loving husband there is but my insecurity definitely gets in the way of accepting his unconditional love.
A few days ago we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and google pictures reminded us that we were in Kauai 4 years ago celebrating our 1 year anniversary. I was having a hard day and Lonnie had sent me a photo album of us enjoying our trip to cheer me up. I vividly remember being so insecure about my body on that trip. I just had skin cancer removed from my back, and had what I imagined as a "HUGE" scar (it's really not that big). I felt damaged, insecure, scared and was feeling like I was bulging out of my swimsuit. I remember feeling so anxious about being in a bikini for that trip. I was working out 3-4 times a week and eating super healthy. I was probably in the best shape of my life and didn't appreciate it one iota.
Fast forward 4 years and when I looked at these pictures I was like OH MY GOD!!! How could I have possibly thought I was overweight or anything other than in great shape (or possibly too thin?).
How could that beautiful girl think that she is anything other than great, in shape, and definitely NOT overweight and probably needed to eat a bit more because I was working out so much? I wish that 4 years ago that I could shake myself and tell myself that I should enjoy my body and stop being so ashamed of it.
I love the "sunscreen" song piece about our bodies. "Enjoy your body, use it in every way you can.. don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own."
I'm on that road but I'm not quite there yet. I have to give myself a pep talk every time I put on tight clothes or a swimsuit and then I try to give myself credit for how far I've come.
Many many years ago I had a terrible relationship with food and that has completely changed. I no longer see food as the enemy but as fuel for my body and I love to eat healthy nourishing food that helps me fuel my body and my mind. I love to cook and share my love of healthy food with my friends and family.
The body insecurity piece is something I'm still struggling with. I know I'll get there eventually, it's just something I have to work on. Like building muscle. It took a long time for me to have this relationship with food and I know it will take a while for me to have a good relationship with my body too.
I'm definitely not posting this for people to think "you're not fat, you're beautiful" I recognize that my feelings are irrational and unhealthy. I just know that I can't be the only one struggling with this, and as with mental health I don't think we talk about it enough.
We are so bombarded with glossy pictures of "perfect" looking woman and even our own facebook and instagram accounts are glossed, filtered and edited. Obviously no one is rushing to post a hideous picture of themselves on social media. Just yesterday my aunt said "I didn't even know your hair could GET frizzy" Seriously? Clearly none of my pictures on facebook or instagram have me with frizzy hair. (i usually sleep in braids) It made me realize that the lines between reality and social media are so blurry and we need to remember that in essence, we are looking at a personally edited, filtered, glossed magazine of each other.
I know I'm not the only person with a constant internal struggle. If that's your body, your hair, your frown lines, your job, food, your depression, anxiety or self-harm. Whatever it is, we are not alone. I'm tired of this pressure to be "perfect". None of us are perfect. I'm tired of being silent about it. How about I'm just "me" and I learn to love that person. You be "you" and learn to love "you"!! Take the small wins. Whatever that looks like. I'm ready to love me, I'm still learning who that is, who I really am, what I really want and I'm not ashamed. I am ready to be raw, unfiltered, and unapologetic.
I'm not sorry I struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm not sorry that I previously had an unhealthy relationship with food and I'm not sorry that I'm struggling to love my body. I'm proud that I'm unashamed of my struggles and feel safe to share my feelings with the world (or whoever is reading this). I'm tired of living in the "glossy magazine" that I've created for myself. I'm ready to be "me". I'm ready.
Love yourself my friends. If you don't, let's try to learn together.
xoxo
p.luiz
A few days ago we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary and google pictures reminded us that we were in Kauai 4 years ago celebrating our 1 year anniversary. I was having a hard day and Lonnie had sent me a photo album of us enjoying our trip to cheer me up. I vividly remember being so insecure about my body on that trip. I just had skin cancer removed from my back, and had what I imagined as a "HUGE" scar (it's really not that big). I felt damaged, insecure, scared and was feeling like I was bulging out of my swimsuit. I remember feeling so anxious about being in a bikini for that trip. I was working out 3-4 times a week and eating super healthy. I was probably in the best shape of my life and didn't appreciate it one iota.
Fast forward 4 years and when I looked at these pictures I was like OH MY GOD!!! How could I have possibly thought I was overweight or anything other than in great shape (or possibly too thin?).
I love the "sunscreen" song piece about our bodies. "Enjoy your body, use it in every way you can.. don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own."
I'm on that road but I'm not quite there yet. I have to give myself a pep talk every time I put on tight clothes or a swimsuit and then I try to give myself credit for how far I've come.
Many many years ago I had a terrible relationship with food and that has completely changed. I no longer see food as the enemy but as fuel for my body and I love to eat healthy nourishing food that helps me fuel my body and my mind. I love to cook and share my love of healthy food with my friends and family.
The body insecurity piece is something I'm still struggling with. I know I'll get there eventually, it's just something I have to work on. Like building muscle. It took a long time for me to have this relationship with food and I know it will take a while for me to have a good relationship with my body too.
I'm definitely not posting this for people to think "you're not fat, you're beautiful" I recognize that my feelings are irrational and unhealthy. I just know that I can't be the only one struggling with this, and as with mental health I don't think we talk about it enough.
We are so bombarded with glossy pictures of "perfect" looking woman and even our own facebook and instagram accounts are glossed, filtered and edited. Obviously no one is rushing to post a hideous picture of themselves on social media. Just yesterday my aunt said "I didn't even know your hair could GET frizzy" Seriously? Clearly none of my pictures on facebook or instagram have me with frizzy hair. (i usually sleep in braids) It made me realize that the lines between reality and social media are so blurry and we need to remember that in essence, we are looking at a personally edited, filtered, glossed magazine of each other.
I know I'm not the only person with a constant internal struggle. If that's your body, your hair, your frown lines, your job, food, your depression, anxiety or self-harm. Whatever it is, we are not alone. I'm tired of this pressure to be "perfect". None of us are perfect. I'm tired of being silent about it. How about I'm just "me" and I learn to love that person. You be "you" and learn to love "you"!! Take the small wins. Whatever that looks like. I'm ready to love me, I'm still learning who that is, who I really am, what I really want and I'm not ashamed. I am ready to be raw, unfiltered, and unapologetic.
I'm not sorry I struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm not sorry that I previously had an unhealthy relationship with food and I'm not sorry that I'm struggling to love my body. I'm proud that I'm unashamed of my struggles and feel safe to share my feelings with the world (or whoever is reading this). I'm tired of living in the "glossy magazine" that I've created for myself. I'm ready to be "me". I'm ready.
Love yourself my friends. If you don't, let's try to learn together.
xoxo
p.luiz
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