The Scarlet Letter

Depression is real. Mental illness is real.  Suicide is real.  Often times we have no idea that someone is struggling until it is too late.  In the past few weeks I have been effected by a community in mourning from a school shooting and a suicide and I feel like we are just pushing it under the rug. The school shooting in Oregon was news for like 1.0 seconds and there was a mention of "more mental health awareness" but I think we need to talk about this more!   There is so much focus on gun control (which I won't go into right now) but I think we also need to focus on mental health and mental health awareness.

I wish we could have an open dialogue without being judged.  Recently, someone in my immediate network (not someone I knew) committed suicide by putting herself in front of a train.  It saddens me because everyone on Facebook was asking how she died, but no one will say that her autopsy showed that she put herself in front of a train and committed suicide.  No one will say, WE MUST SPEAK ABOUT THIS!  No one wants to say anything.  The shame of suicide is real.

The stigma and shame that comes with mental health disorders and suicide is absolutely ridiculous.  If your family member or loved one commits suicide, that is not a direct reflection of you, or that you didn't' do enough, or you weren't a good enough friend, etc. Trust me, I've been there.  When I was suicidal I wasn't thinking of my family, or my friends.  I was only thinking that I wanted to die.  I am so thankful that I have not felt suicidal in 18 years but everyone isn't so lucky.  I don't know if anyone knew how much this woman was struggling, but I do know that she must have felt that she didn't have any other choice.

Suicide ripples through so many layers of life, family and friendships.  I remember when I was in college I had a few friends commit suicide and a few acquaintances.  So many people were effected by their suicide it was unbelievable.  Even if you didn't know the person directly, you knew someone who was absolutely heartbroken and torn apart by their untimely and unnecessary death.

One of my friends has an amazing blog called Vee Said and she is speaking out about her struggle with depression and self harm.  I do not think people understand how hard this is, how it makes you feel, how scary it is because people might judge you and think untruths about you.

Suicide is such a touchy subject because people have preconceived notions about it.  That it is selfish, that there are "other ways" that they should have "gotten help", they didn't "seem depressed" etc. Often times we are so focused on how the person seems outwardly and we don't think about how the person feels on the inside.

I saw on the news that Haden Panettiere checked into a treatment facility for postpartum depression. That is SO INCREDIBLY brave and she should be celebrated for this!  She is being open and honest about her feelings!  How difficult and frightening it must be to struggle with PPD.  However, we hardly speak about it!  Everyone expects you to be the happiest you've ever been because you have a baby but PPD is very real!  I'll say it again.  Depression is real.  Mental illness is real.  Suicide is real.  Maybe you've never been depressed, maybe you don't know anyone with mental illness, but I think you might be surprised! Often times we are so focused on ourselves and the outward appearance of others that we do not take the time to peel back the layers and see the true insides of one another.

Suicide is such a hard topic for me because I feel like I am looking in from afar.  I've been there, knee deep in blood soaked tissues, hair wet and crusty from crying for hours for reasons I could not understand, digging a knife into my flesh just to feel something- even if that was pain.  That was so long ago, thinking about those experiences is like slowly peeling off a scab  and seeing the new, fragile, soft pink skin.  The skin that needs protection.  I remember at my worst I compared crippling depression to being a deer in headlights.  You knew that you were about the get hit but you didn't feel like there was anything that you could do about it.  You feel stuck, alone, numb, and completely helpless.

 I am so thankful that I now have the tools to deal with my depression and that it is less of a daily struggle for me.  I can't imagine what internal struggles that these people felt, to jump off a building or to jump in front of a train.  When I was working in the ICU I had a patient who had put himself in front of a train THREE times!  Three times and he still lived!  After the third attempt he was left paralyzed with only one arm.  I will never forget this man, he just wanted to die.  He didn't think of himself as "destined to live" or do great things, he just wanted to die.  He had no support system, no one ever visited him, he didn't feel like he had anything to live for.

I have been extremely lucky and fortunate that I have the most amazing support system.  Friends who have been by my side every.step.of.the.way, an extremely supportive family who would do anything to help me and the most amazing husband who I have always been able to be open and honest with about my struggles.

I'm not sure I've ever been this open about my struggles with mental illness but I've never made it a secret.  It often comes up in conversation and people are always surprised because I don't seem like the "type" of person who would be depressed.  There is no type, mental illness does not discriminate, and neither should we.

My hope is that one day we can speak openly about mental illness without judgement, without feeling alone or scared.  I want people to know that they are not alone, and that someone is feeling the same way, and that there is help.  It will get better.

Mental illness is such a hard topic because it makes everyone so uncomfortable and uneasy.  Even people with mental illness.  Even people who are comfortable with their mental illness.  Once the cat is out of the bag it's like wearing a scarlet letter, you are still branded.