This is an entry I wrote around the holidays and looking back it was such a learning experience.
I don't even know how to really start writing this, and truth be told that is how I feel about most of my writing. Like, how do I get this all down on paper, all of my feelings, my thoughts, what is in my head. Somehow it flows out of me onto the "page" (now that I write on a computer sometimes it feels a bit different.) These last few weeks have been challenging, it is hard for me to admit. I want my life to be perfect, to look like one of those gorgeous wrapped packages with the perfect bow, where it just seems to gleam without effort and you do not even want to open it because it is just too beautiful. That's what I want my life to look like, but it doesn't. Life is a gift, but it doesn't fit into a box and it certainly doesn't come wrapped in beautiful packaging. Sometimes life does feel perfect, and it's amazing and beautiful and you are frolicking in meadows and dancing under rainbows. However, sometimes...when you are knee deep in the mud and you cannot move, you are panicking because you feel like you are sinking deeper and deeper into the mud- sometimes, that is exactly where you need to be. Sometimes, you need to take a minute, and be still. Sometimes, stillness; letting yourself be stuck; is exactly what you need.
We had company in town for a month; every weekend, different company, different expectations. It was all wonderful but exhausting at the same exact time.
I had a migraine for 2 + weeks which started to get really frightening. I was out and about with Lonnie and I could hardly walk across the street. He was so gracious and helpful and took my hand and practically carried me to the nearest urgent care. Urgent care turned into the Emergency Room, I was too acute for their care. I was having a hard time speaking, blurry vision and dizziness. I spent all of that Sunday in the Emergency Room. I was poked and prodded and talked about like I wasn't even there. I was "the patient"; something I am very uncomfortable with (being a nurse). They gave me pain and nausea medication and ran some tests. That's the moment when I was faced with my own mortality for the first time. Disclaimer: I am completely fine, but when they are ruling out more serious matters with CT scans of your brain, your mind goes places.
It put so many things in perspective for me, being faced with the question.... What REALLY matters in your life?? In that hour that I was waiting on the results from my brain CT I was faced with so many questions. How would I live my life differently if I was dying? What kind of surgery would I be comfortable with? What sort of treatments would I be willing to endure? How would my relationship with Lonnie change? Would I continue to work? What am I really passionate about? What makes my life special? What makes me special? Would I be missed if I died? Who would actually miss me? Would I die and life would go on as usual, as if I was never there? Who were the people I wanted to tell and get support? Who was supportive? Was I comfortable with the support? Would I want anyone to know I was sick? All the while I look over at Lonnie's beautiful green eyes and I see a mix of sheer terror, love, hope, fear all mixed into one. I knew he was probably thinking all of the same things at the time; Is my wife going to be OK?
Turns out I was fine! (Well I wasn't fine but I wasn't dying) and it made such an impact on me. It's so cliché to say that we should live every day like we were dying, but what really matters when you are faced with your own death?
I remember learning how to surf in Bali. We were at this gorgeous beach, with these perfect waves. It had a pretty strong undercurrent that we were warned about. We had an incredible instructor who was patient and kind (as most of the people there were). Turns out I was pretty good at surfing but I definitely had my fair share of wipe outs! This kind, gentle soul of an instructor kept repeating something to me that has stayed with me. I hear it in my head in his voice: "Ride the wave; stop fighting the current" Whenever I would get tossed around after completely wiping out I would come up incredibly exhausted, gasping for air. I was trying to fight my way up to the surface. He told me to stay present while under the water, stay calm, and RELAX- that I would pop back up to the surface naturally. If I fought the current, odds were I might swim down farther into the depths of the ocean, further caught into the current.
When life is good, and you are riding the wave, enjoy it- then... when you WIPE OUT! It's ok, just stay present, be calm and relax, fighting the current only makes it worse. Life isn't a package covered in bows, and it's not a surfing lesson either. But sometimes, when life just seems so out of control and you feel completely stuck. Try to take a minute, embrace the stuck, be present, listen to your feelings, stay calm, relax and know that fighting the current just makes it worse. Sometimes, you just need to ride the wave, and stop fighting the current.
That's all for now,
xo
p.luiz
I don't even know how to really start writing this, and truth be told that is how I feel about most of my writing. Like, how do I get this all down on paper, all of my feelings, my thoughts, what is in my head. Somehow it flows out of me onto the "page" (now that I write on a computer sometimes it feels a bit different.) These last few weeks have been challenging, it is hard for me to admit. I want my life to be perfect, to look like one of those gorgeous wrapped packages with the perfect bow, where it just seems to gleam without effort and you do not even want to open it because it is just too beautiful. That's what I want my life to look like, but it doesn't. Life is a gift, but it doesn't fit into a box and it certainly doesn't come wrapped in beautiful packaging. Sometimes life does feel perfect, and it's amazing and beautiful and you are frolicking in meadows and dancing under rainbows. However, sometimes...when you are knee deep in the mud and you cannot move, you are panicking because you feel like you are sinking deeper and deeper into the mud- sometimes, that is exactly where you need to be. Sometimes, you need to take a minute, and be still. Sometimes, stillness; letting yourself be stuck; is exactly what you need.
We had company in town for a month; every weekend, different company, different expectations. It was all wonderful but exhausting at the same exact time.
I had a migraine for 2 + weeks which started to get really frightening. I was out and about with Lonnie and I could hardly walk across the street. He was so gracious and helpful and took my hand and practically carried me to the nearest urgent care. Urgent care turned into the Emergency Room, I was too acute for their care. I was having a hard time speaking, blurry vision and dizziness. I spent all of that Sunday in the Emergency Room. I was poked and prodded and talked about like I wasn't even there. I was "the patient"; something I am very uncomfortable with (being a nurse). They gave me pain and nausea medication and ran some tests. That's the moment when I was faced with my own mortality for the first time. Disclaimer: I am completely fine, but when they are ruling out more serious matters with CT scans of your brain, your mind goes places.
It put so many things in perspective for me, being faced with the question.... What REALLY matters in your life?? In that hour that I was waiting on the results from my brain CT I was faced with so many questions. How would I live my life differently if I was dying? What kind of surgery would I be comfortable with? What sort of treatments would I be willing to endure? How would my relationship with Lonnie change? Would I continue to work? What am I really passionate about? What makes my life special? What makes me special? Would I be missed if I died? Who would actually miss me? Would I die and life would go on as usual, as if I was never there? Who were the people I wanted to tell and get support? Who was supportive? Was I comfortable with the support? Would I want anyone to know I was sick? All the while I look over at Lonnie's beautiful green eyes and I see a mix of sheer terror, love, hope, fear all mixed into one. I knew he was probably thinking all of the same things at the time; Is my wife going to be OK?
Turns out I was fine! (Well I wasn't fine but I wasn't dying) and it made such an impact on me. It's so cliché to say that we should live every day like we were dying, but what really matters when you are faced with your own death?
I remember learning how to surf in Bali. We were at this gorgeous beach, with these perfect waves. It had a pretty strong undercurrent that we were warned about. We had an incredible instructor who was patient and kind (as most of the people there were). Turns out I was pretty good at surfing but I definitely had my fair share of wipe outs! This kind, gentle soul of an instructor kept repeating something to me that has stayed with me. I hear it in my head in his voice: "Ride the wave; stop fighting the current" Whenever I would get tossed around after completely wiping out I would come up incredibly exhausted, gasping for air. I was trying to fight my way up to the surface. He told me to stay present while under the water, stay calm, and RELAX- that I would pop back up to the surface naturally. If I fought the current, odds were I might swim down farther into the depths of the ocean, further caught into the current.
When life is good, and you are riding the wave, enjoy it- then... when you WIPE OUT! It's ok, just stay present, be calm and relax, fighting the current only makes it worse. Life isn't a package covered in bows, and it's not a surfing lesson either. But sometimes, when life just seems so out of control and you feel completely stuck. Try to take a minute, embrace the stuck, be present, listen to your feelings, stay calm, relax and know that fighting the current just makes it worse. Sometimes, you just need to ride the wave, and stop fighting the current.
That's all for now,
xo
p.luiz
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