Cancer Sucks

Ok, I'm not sure why this post is publishing all wonky with the white background but I don't really care....

So it's been a while since I've written and I hate making excuses.  

I have been really busy with work, I work 4, ten hour shifts during the week at a local large hospital in their PACU (post anesthesia care unit) which is essentially the OR recovery room.  When someone wakes up from surgery, I am your nurse.  Sometimes it's really funny, people say hilarious things when they wake up from surgery, and sometimes it's terrifying.  

Sometimes I feel like I work back in the ICU and sometimes I feel like it's glorified babysitting, but I'm always looking out for you.  I'm watching your every breath, if you are getting enough IV fluid, your blood pressure, your heart rhythm, I'm looking out for any complications from surgery, I'm double and triple checking that everything is correct, your vital signs, your medication orders.  If you are in pain I do my best to take your pain away.  If you have a family member in the waiting room, I will go talk to them and let them know what is going on and what the plan is.  That is my life, everyday.  What I didn't realize was, that I get to leave that at work, and then that family member gets to take that home.  If their family member or loved one has surgery from cancer, heart defects, car accidents, anything.... that is their reality, at home. 

Last night I had dinner with a friend and his wife.  Unfortunately my friend has cancer... 

His wife said something that really pulled at my heart strings. She said "remember back in the day honey, where we would just bicker, and fight for NO reason about stupid shit?  I would complain and wine about how fat I thought I got during pregnancy?  I miss that..." 

She missed it!

She missed bickering with her husband.

Now she is just worried if he is about to take his last breath, or what tomorrow will bring, or what his next lab results will be or what his next CT scan will show and if the treatment he's on is working and what their next steps will be or if they will need to move again to be near the latest and greatest treatments.

I didn't realize that as a PACU nurse, I don't have to take any of this home.  But as a friend, I do.  Last night I came home and bawled my eyes out.  I really believe that he will beat this, I really do.  But I just cannot wrap my head around how they are coping, and dealing and still staying so positive and amazing.  I cannot stop thinking about them and how UNFAIR it is.  They are INCREDIBLE people, like so wonderful and generous and nice and just great people.  

Their entire marriage he's has had cancer, their little boy has only known a dad with cancer.  I don't think he knows any different because he's 14 month old, but still.  This little boy's dad has had cancer his whole life.  My friend has been sick the entire time he's been a dad.  That is not fair!  

I read a blog earlier today of a woman on my Rodan + Fields team who has cancer and she said that all she wanted was to stop talking about cancer.  All they talked about was cancer, it's their WHOLE life!  Like all they do is go to Dr apts, and go home.  Occasionally they will go to the park or the store together if he's feeling well enough.  I didn't want to talk about cancer the whole time but somehow I think it was cathartic for them. 

Nothing tastes good to him anymore, he's lost a ton of weight and as a nurse I would say.  Ok, you should take some ensure, do this and that, and really consult with a nutritionist, blah blah.  But as a friend I'm like SHIT, this is awful!  Please get better!  I can't even think like a nurse once I'm a friend.  I'm not a nurse, I'm a friend.  Even if I was your nurse at some point.  I cannot objectively think about you anymore, you are not only a person that I cared for but you are my friend.  They were tearful and scared and I just never realized what it looks like on the INSIDE of someone's life with cancer.  

I was always a visitor looking in.  A guest, someone kept as an advocate.  Always a "healthcare professional".  

To all of you who have or are fighting this nasty beast, GO YOU!  I commend you to the fullest.  And remember that your friends are scared too, and love you, and pray for you and believe 100% that you will get better.

I asked them what they will be doing for xmas, and they are "hoping" that he's getting an inpatient cancer treatment.  So best case scenario, he's getting a very powerful treatment that will essentially make him unconscious and feel extremely ill this Christmas.  So this thanksgiving, and this holiday season when you are laughing with family or crying from aggravation from spending too much time with family, whatever the case may be; please remember those who are LITERALLY fighting for their life to even see another Christmas or Thanksgiving, or Easter for that matter.  

I know it's SO cheesy, but kiss your loved ones tonight, text people to tell them you love them, make sure you make the most of every moment.  We never know what tomorrow will bring.  

Thank you for reading, I just had to vent.  #cancersucks

xo

P