A few excerpts from my journal-
August 2015-
As I write this I am in a car audio store waiting for our Rover to get a new deck in the dash. I am very sad today because my grandfather is in the hospital and I am going to go down to California tomorrow so I can spend some quality time with them. My mind feels foggy and full and I feel exhausted from crying. I told myself that I wouldn't be a mess, that I would be really strong and be "nurse" P and not granddaughter P. Not so much, I was a blubbery mess this morning and my poor husband is coming over and kissing my forehead as I wipe snot from my nose. You know if someone can still love you when you are knee deep in kleenex and can hardly catch your breath, you've got a good one. It's times like these when I really reflect on my life and what I want to accomplish in my lifetime.
August 2015-
For the last 7 years I have lived in Chicago and every time I would visit the west coast I would have paralyzing anxiety about going back to Chicago. It's not that I didn't love living there. I had a wonderful life there, I had all of the ingredients of a wonderful life. I had family, amazing friends, a great apartment, wonderful husband, great pups, a good job, etc. It just never felt like home. I would crave the smell of the ocean, or the drive to the mountains or just SEEING a mountain. Growing up on the west coast I didn't realize that was something that my body was accustomed to. Seeing mountains, smelling mountain air, feeling the ocean on my toes, was something that my body needed. Now, after spending 3 months in the mountains, I find that I don't have the anxiety about going "home" like I did before. I am nervous about living in a new city, without family, and with fewer friends but I remember the day 14 years ago when I moved to Oregon and went to school with a few friends and left four years later with countless more. I am excited for the new adventures to come and I feel rejuvenated, excited and hopeful for the road ahead. I know that the mountains and the ocean are just a car ride away. Owning a home in Portland has been a dream of mine as long as I can remember and it feels like my dreams are actually coming true. This is such an amazing feeling.
March, 2015-
I'm not exactly sure when or where I heard this quote but it has stuck with me for many years. First of all I want to start out that even though the quote says "God", I personally mean the "spirit of life" or "life" or "fate" or whatever you want to call it, the point is that you can plan your life out to a t but it may end up being something you never imagined in your wildest dreams, but if you open your eyes to change maybe it is exactly where you are supposed to be. I never though I'd live in the "midwest" and here I am. I always SWORE up and down that I would NEVER do adult oncology and especially kidney cancer, and here I am working Adult Oncology with bladder and kidney patients! I had this idea of what my life would be like: that I would be married with kids by 30, have a "career", own a house, etc. etc. In reality, I am married to my best friend, I am a nurse, I live in a one bedroom apartment and have two beagles, and it feels right. Right as in correct, I don't know what happened. I think I've been trying to be more present for my life. I feel like it's just flying by and I'm trying my hardest to plant my feet, take a breath and actually absorb what is going on around me. I think I'm finally over what I though my life was "supposed to look like" and I'm really enjoying what my life actually looks like. I am so incredibly lucky, in millions of ways and I am so thankful for that.
January 2015-
A Letter to My Future Self:
I was talking to a friend last week about her teenage sister. She had gone out and gotten her nose pierced and her mother was flipping out about it. I remembered when I got my belly button pierced a few days after my 18th birthday I thought my mom was going to have a true heart attack.
Recently, since thinking about having children I have realized that by the time your children are teenagers, even if you had children young, you are still so far removed from that age. When you were 18 things were completely different, you were or weren't allowed to do different things, etc. I mean for crying out loud I had a "pager"when I was 18 and I thought that was SO COOL (to be fair it was maroon with grey buttons and was way cooler than the pager I have now for work)! I didn't have my own cell phone until I was in college!! I overheard a guy at the ATT store the other day getting his 6 year old a cell phone because her cousin has one and she's been nagging him for months. 6 years old!? What do you need a cell phone for? So I was thinking, if I write letters to myself while I can still remember what it was like to be a teenager, maybe it will help me relate to my children more. I remember being about 12 and just sitting in my room crying hysterically. I had no idea why I was crying, it was like this overwhelming urge to let it out. My mom would say things like "oh it's just puberty, your hormones are "running a muck!". I know that she meant well but at 12 none of that makes any sense. Hormones make no sense, your body is changing, the dynamic at school is changing, people are starting to couple up and have "boyfriends, and girlfriends". It was all so overwhelming to me. I was also bullied in school, from a very young age. I was very small so I think I was an easy target. "Boys tease the girls they like". How I hated that saying. I am trying to figure out how to tell my kids that IT GETS BETTER! Your life in middle school/high school does not dictate your future. You can go on and be wonderful, mysterious beings. Being popular does not dictate your whole life. Your mother was a nerd with frizzy hair and braces and I turned out a'ok! I just want to remind myself, when I'm a mom, when my kids are going through puberty that for some some kids it SUCKS, like really really sucks and you have to give them space and slack and I *think* then it will be ok. I just want them to love themselves and to always feel loved by their family.
August 2015-
As I write this I am in a car audio store waiting for our Rover to get a new deck in the dash. I am very sad today because my grandfather is in the hospital and I am going to go down to California tomorrow so I can spend some quality time with them. My mind feels foggy and full and I feel exhausted from crying. I told myself that I wouldn't be a mess, that I would be really strong and be "nurse" P and not granddaughter P. Not so much, I was a blubbery mess this morning and my poor husband is coming over and kissing my forehead as I wipe snot from my nose. You know if someone can still love you when you are knee deep in kleenex and can hardly catch your breath, you've got a good one. It's times like these when I really reflect on my life and what I want to accomplish in my lifetime.
August 2015-
For the last 7 years I have lived in Chicago and every time I would visit the west coast I would have paralyzing anxiety about going back to Chicago. It's not that I didn't love living there. I had a wonderful life there, I had all of the ingredients of a wonderful life. I had family, amazing friends, a great apartment, wonderful husband, great pups, a good job, etc. It just never felt like home. I would crave the smell of the ocean, or the drive to the mountains or just SEEING a mountain. Growing up on the west coast I didn't realize that was something that my body was accustomed to. Seeing mountains, smelling mountain air, feeling the ocean on my toes, was something that my body needed. Now, after spending 3 months in the mountains, I find that I don't have the anxiety about going "home" like I did before. I am nervous about living in a new city, without family, and with fewer friends but I remember the day 14 years ago when I moved to Oregon and went to school with a few friends and left four years later with countless more. I am excited for the new adventures to come and I feel rejuvenated, excited and hopeful for the road ahead. I know that the mountains and the ocean are just a car ride away. Owning a home in Portland has been a dream of mine as long as I can remember and it feels like my dreams are actually coming true. This is such an amazing feeling.
March, 2015-
I'm not exactly sure when or where I heard this quote but it has stuck with me for many years. First of all I want to start out that even though the quote says "God", I personally mean the "spirit of life" or "life" or "fate" or whatever you want to call it, the point is that you can plan your life out to a t but it may end up being something you never imagined in your wildest dreams, but if you open your eyes to change maybe it is exactly where you are supposed to be. I never though I'd live in the "midwest" and here I am. I always SWORE up and down that I would NEVER do adult oncology and especially kidney cancer, and here I am working Adult Oncology with bladder and kidney patients! I had this idea of what my life would be like: that I would be married with kids by 30, have a "career", own a house, etc. etc. In reality, I am married to my best friend, I am a nurse, I live in a one bedroom apartment and have two beagles, and it feels right. Right as in correct, I don't know what happened. I think I've been trying to be more present for my life. I feel like it's just flying by and I'm trying my hardest to plant my feet, take a breath and actually absorb what is going on around me. I think I'm finally over what I though my life was "supposed to look like" and I'm really enjoying what my life actually looks like. I am so incredibly lucky, in millions of ways and I am so thankful for that.
January 2015-
A Letter to My Future Self:
I was talking to a friend last week about her teenage sister. She had gone out and gotten her nose pierced and her mother was flipping out about it. I remembered when I got my belly button pierced a few days after my 18th birthday I thought my mom was going to have a true heart attack.
Recently, since thinking about having children I have realized that by the time your children are teenagers, even if you had children young, you are still so far removed from that age. When you were 18 things were completely different, you were or weren't allowed to do different things, etc. I mean for crying out loud I had a "pager"when I was 18 and I thought that was SO COOL (to be fair it was maroon with grey buttons and was way cooler than the pager I have now for work)! I didn't have my own cell phone until I was in college!! I overheard a guy at the ATT store the other day getting his 6 year old a cell phone because her cousin has one and she's been nagging him for months. 6 years old!? What do you need a cell phone for? So I was thinking, if I write letters to myself while I can still remember what it was like to be a teenager, maybe it will help me relate to my children more. I remember being about 12 and just sitting in my room crying hysterically. I had no idea why I was crying, it was like this overwhelming urge to let it out. My mom would say things like "oh it's just puberty, your hormones are "running a muck!". I know that she meant well but at 12 none of that makes any sense. Hormones make no sense, your body is changing, the dynamic at school is changing, people are starting to couple up and have "boyfriends, and girlfriends". It was all so overwhelming to me. I was also bullied in school, from a very young age. I was very small so I think I was an easy target. "Boys tease the girls they like". How I hated that saying. I am trying to figure out how to tell my kids that IT GETS BETTER! Your life in middle school/high school does not dictate your future. You can go on and be wonderful, mysterious beings. Being popular does not dictate your whole life. Your mother was a nerd with frizzy hair and braces and I turned out a'ok! I just want to remind myself, when I'm a mom, when my kids are going through puberty that for some some kids it SUCKS, like really really sucks and you have to give them space and slack and I *think* then it will be ok. I just want them to love themselves and to always feel loved by their family.
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