I heard a quote the other day "Don't forget you are human. It's OK to have a meltdown, just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed" This quote really resonated with me. These days I feel like I've unpacked in meltdownland. I do not like it ONE BIT!
So the old saying is "when life gives you lemons.. make lemonade." right? Well, I don't particularly like lemonade, I find it to be too sour or too sweet. I know that the saying is trying to convey some sense that one can make good out of the bad, but how? How is one supposed to find the good in something when all they can think is how the heck am I going to get past this? The paralyzing feeling that everything you worked so hard for has been put on pause, or worse, rewind? How does someone move forward when they are sucker-punched in the stomach and there doesn't seem to be any "good" in the bad.
I was told the other day by someone very close to me that the "fire" inside me has died. This was so hard for me to hear. For years people have called me "positive patricia" and that I'm always able to see the glass half full, or even if it's the last drop, there is still some in there, right? I don't want to lose the fire in me, but how do I find it when all of my norms are now foreign?
I am so downtrodden and exhausted all the time. I don't think I've gone 24 hours without crying over the last 4 months. I used to pride myself on being the person who didn't "cry over everything". That I was "super tough" and "could get through anything", you know the drill... superwoman powers, always dishing out advice, always a shoulder to cry on, always the "good friend". Now I feel like I can't be any of those things, that I'm not any of those things. I can hardly stand on my own two feet how could I possibly be a good friend, a shoulder to cry on, or someone's support network? I feel that I am such an emotional drain on everyone I know. Now I'm so emotionally fragile I think I would literally cry over
spilled milk. I don't do any of the things that used to make me really
happy in my "free time" because now all my time is free and those "fun"
things now seem like they are just chores to fill my time (or worse, I physically cannot do them). "Idle hands
are the devils workshop" man these sayings have never felt so true. I feel like nothing positive comes off my lips anymore.
How can I rewind to my old self? How do I get back to "positive Patricia"?
How can I rewind to my old self? How do I get back to "positive Patricia"?
Yes, I'm ALIVE! Praise Jesus, literally. I thank the Lord every day that I am alive, and that I do not have some horrific disease but then I just feel really guilty.. or shameful that I would be such an emotional mess when I "only" have a torn rotator-cuff that won't heal. They say that shame is a lie from hell and that it is a soul sucking emotion. Isn't that the truth? I don't want to be ashamed for how I feel! However, I know that it could ALWAYS be worse, ALWAYS. What is the balance?
How do you accept that you are going through a hard time but not let it be your whole life? I've never had to "choose to be happy" before. It just happened. I "was" happy. It wasn't a choice. Where do I go from here? I don't want to unpack in meltdownland! How do I break out of this rut? I didn't mean for this blog to be negative, just the opposite. I WANT to find the good in life right now, I want to take joy in the little things. Like when my niece giggles or she tells me she misses me. When dizzum (my puppy) hides under the covers and doesn't want to wake up. When my other pup Buford seems like he CAN NOT contain his excitement when he sees me. I want these things to fill my heart and fill the part that feels damaged. I want to figure out what my "great purpose" is. I always believed that "everything happens for a reason" but I'm left wondering "what is the reason"? Was that just a lie I told myself that to make myself feel better? I still really believe this but am I just lying to myself at this point? My grandfather said that this "builds character". Isn't that the truth! Ok, I have enough character and I'm ready to move forward, move on.
Let these tears wash away the bad and make room for the good.
That's all for today
xo
p.luiz
How do you accept that you are going through a hard time but not let it be your whole life? I've never had to "choose to be happy" before. It just happened. I "was" happy. It wasn't a choice. Where do I go from here? I don't want to unpack in meltdownland! How do I break out of this rut? I didn't mean for this blog to be negative, just the opposite. I WANT to find the good in life right now, I want to take joy in the little things. Like when my niece giggles or she tells me she misses me. When dizzum (my puppy) hides under the covers and doesn't want to wake up. When my other pup Buford seems like he CAN NOT contain his excitement when he sees me. I want these things to fill my heart and fill the part that feels damaged. I want to figure out what my "great purpose" is. I always believed that "everything happens for a reason" but I'm left wondering "what is the reason"? Was that just a lie I told myself that to make myself feel better? I still really believe this but am I just lying to myself at this point? My grandfather said that this "builds character". Isn't that the truth! Ok, I have enough character and I'm ready to move forward, move on.
Let these tears wash away the bad and make room for the good.
That's all for today
xo
p.luiz
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